The hours were a blur of voices and lights and questions from strangers. Soothing hands guided Rene here and there while his mind struggled through the waves of shock that were currently protecting his psyche. 

There were police and EMTs. There was a large black body bag, and Misha being zipped up into it. Rene didn’t want him to go yet. He briefly gripped onto the gurney where Misha lay in that ghastly black bag. Once they wheeled him out, it was all over. He was gone. There was no going back. 

Khal placed a hand softly on his arm and guided him back from the gurney so that the Coroner could do his job. 

“Let’s get you home.” Khal insisted.

Katrina came up, placing a hand on Rene’s shoulder, “Rene, listen. Khal is going to drive you home, okay? If you need anything, anything at all, you call me. We’re going to take care of you, okay?”

Rene nodded vaguely. His gaze was on the gurney being wheeled away by the Coroner. On his beloved husband’s body disappearing to who knows where. 

“Let them take care of him for now.” Khal said. “You can worry about all of that later, okay? Let’s get you home now.”

This was so much different than the feeling he’d had when he’d pulled that family from the car. That had been moments of adrenaline and necessary actions. He’d kept a clear mind throughout. This felt like a great wave was dragging him under the water, threatening to drown him as he fought to surface for air. 

“I’ve already contacted Ari.” Katrina explained. “She’s going to take care of Emory tonight, so you don’t need to worry about her, okay?”

Rene nodded. Or, at least he thought he did. All he knew now was that Khal was guiding him outside, to a car. Khal’s car. The drive to Rene’s house seemingly took hours, and seconds. They went inside. Somehow he’d managed to enter the code for the lock. Khal guided him to his room, and Rene collapsed on the bed. Khal helped him take his shoes off, and Rene curled up and began to sob into his pillow, the reality of the night washing over him now. 

“I’m going to go stay on the couch, if that’s okay.” Khal stated awkwardly. “If you need anything, just give me a holler, alright?”

Rene nodded, and Khal headed away to the living room. 

Rene spread an arm across the bed to Misha’s side. He’d slept there that very morning, and now he would never sleep there again. Rene grabbed Misha’s pillow and buried his face in it, taking in a deep breath of Misha’s scent. It took Rene a moment to realize that he was screaming into the pillow. Everything bubbled up into one primal wail, and he screamed and screamed until he didn’t have the energy anymore. He vaguely wondered if Khal was freaked out in the other room, but he didn’t really care. It didn’t matter. 

Nothing fucking mattered anymore. Why should it? The love of his life was dead. He would never speak to him again. Would never talk to him or touch him. Would never remind him to bring his coat. He would never get to watch Misha pick up Emory again, both of them giggling as he tickled her. 

He heard footsteps, and Khal knocked softly on the door. 

“Hey, I have a sleeping pill, if you want it.” Khal said. “Totally up to you, but it’ll put you out for a bit.”

Rene sat up and nodded. The thought of fading to black right now was very tempting. He held out a hand, and Khal handed him a small white pill and a glass of water. Rene took the pill, not even caring what it was. He drank some of the water, then set the glass on the night table, thanked Khal, and laid back down. Khal left the room without another word, and Rene lay there on his pillow, staring up at the ceiling, lost in horrible thoughts until the medication took over and he slowly drifted to sleep. 

*****

Rene’s dreams were a wild amalgam of the night before. He lived the event over and over. The smashing of glass, finding Misha. He tried to change the events. He grabbed Misha’s hand and told him not to go, but Misha wouldn’t listen. He just kissed Rene on the cheek, and walked outside anyway. Rene could have tied him up and the results would have been the same. No matter what, he was always holding Misha’s lifeless body in his arms. 

Rene woke up with a gasp. He’d been drooling all over his pillow. He wiped his mouth, and looked around to see Emory standing in the doorway to his bedroom. Her eyes were red. She’d clearly been crying all night. 

‘Hey baby girl.” Rene said. He immediately broke down in tears as she ran to him sobbing and jumped in his arms. 

“Dad’s gone forever.” Emory stated through her sobs. 

“Yeah.” Rene held her tightly as they both cried. The night before had been a nightmare, but this moment eclipsed it in pure agonizing pain. Watching Emory suffer at the loss of her father was something he’d never hoped to witness in his life. The hurt in her little face was tearing him up, making it nearly impossible to breathe. 

“I want him back.” Emory said. “I want to hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him.”

“Me too, baby.” Rene said, squeezing her so tight. “Me too.” He happened to glance at the wrist of his suit, and noticed there was blood on it. Misha’s blood. Something he hadn’t seen last night. He was suddenly terrified that Emory would see it. 

“Is Ari in the living room?” Rene asked. 

Emory sniffled and wiped her eyes and nodded. 

“Can you go sit with her for a minute while I get dressed?” Rene asked, attempting to keep his sleeve out of her eyeline. 

She looked at him in confusion, but nodded, and headed out to the living room. Rene closed the door behind her and rapidly began to undress, tossing the suit into a careless pile on his closet floor. He walked into the bathroom to go pee, after which he noticed the blood on his arm and chest. He scrubbed off in the sink, watching in horror as Misha’s blood washed down the drain. He had to grip onto the edge of the sink to steady himself as his thoughts fought to overwhelm him again. 

Rene took several shaky breaths to relax himself. He needed to be strong now, to be present for his daughter. He had to be. He walked back to the closet and threw on some comfy clothes, a blue long sleeve shirt and some sweats. He didn’t particularly care about impressing anyone. Then he steeled himself, and headed into the living room. 

Ari and Emory were sitting on the couch together, wrapped in each other’s arms, watching Bluey on Ari’s phone. Khal was drinking coffee at the dining room table, scrolling his phone. He looked up when he saw Rene.

“Hi,” Khal said in that soft voice of his. “How’d you sleep?”

Rene shrugged. He wasn’t sure he trusted himself to speak yet. He walked over to the couch and sat down next to Emory, who let go of Ari to curl up into Rene’s arms. She rested her head on his chest, which immediately felt wet through his shirt from her tears.

“I love you so much.” Rene whispered, kissing her on the head. He looked up at Ari, whose eyes were red and whose expression was so kind. He knew how much she’d loved and cared about Misha too. They were all a family. It was like losing a brother for her. Rene pulled her into their hug. He was aware that Khal might be watching them from his vantage point in the dining room, but he didn’t really care. Khal was understanding. An incredible friend who had stepped up at the worst time in Rene’s life, despite only knowing him for a few days. 

“Daddy?” Emory sniffled. 

“Yes baby?” 

“Do I have to go to school this week?” Emory asked. 

Rene smiled for the first time since last night, and shook his head, “Not this week, baby. We’re going to take some time to feel how we need to feel, okay?”

“Okay.” Emory said. “Daddy?”

“Yes baby?”

“Can I watch Bluey all day?” Emory asked. 

“Of course.” Rene said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “And I’ll watch it with you.”

*****

Over the next several days, the world continued to spin, the sun continued to rise in the East, and Rene bitterly cursed everything for continuing along as though the world hadn’t suddenly been ripped away from him. He would have welcomed a world killing asteroid right about then, as selfish as the thought was. Waking up every day in the bed he’d shared with Misha was a special sort of torture. He thought about sleeping on the couch instead, but it felt too strange. 

Khal was still around. Rene was so grateful to have him there, even if he didn’t always express it. How lucky he’d been to have Khal come into his life when he did. To be willing to step up and keep Rene’s house in order when he didn’t have the energy. A true friend indeed. 

“When do you go home?” Rene had asked, hoping he didn’t come across as rude. Truth be told, he wasn’t ready for Khal to leave yet. 

“I talked to the magazine, and they’re going to let me work remotely for a while. I figure I can hang out another month or so before I move on.” Khal said. “They were so incredibly sorry for your loss. They sent another check for an additional twenty-five-thousand dollars. This check is for you, specifically, to take care of any funeral costs, or anything else you might need.”

The checks. Rene had forgotten all about them. They were still in the pockets of his suit, which was heaped on the floor in the closet. He needed to get those to Carl at some point. Katrina would be by later after work.  He’d make a point of handing them to her.

“I can’t tell you how much this all means to me.” Rene said. “Everything you’ve done. You’re a Saint.”

“I am happy to help, but you don’t need to thank me.” Khal said. “I know you would have done the same.”

There was a knock on the door. Emory jumped up from the couch to go get it. She opened the door, and Rene could hear the murmur of familiar voices. 

“Hi Brooke.” Emory said. “Hi Paige.”

Rene walked over to the door to see Paige holding a large Tupperware container with what looked like some delicious food inside. Despite not having been hungry for three days now, Rene was very thankful for the gesture. 

“Please, come in ladies,” Rene said, taking the container from Paige and placing it in the fridge for later. 

“I made you both some casserole. Figured it was the least I could do.” Paige said, stepping in and closing the door behind her. 

“I really appreciate it.” Rene said. 

“My dad died.” Emory blurted.

“I know. Mommy told me. I’m sorry, Emory.” Brooke said. 

“I’m sorry too.” Paige added. “Your father was such a fun and wonderful man. There are so many that are going to miss him.” 

“Maybe not Colleen.” Brooke pointed out, looking up at her mother. 

Paige frowned and shook her head at Brooke, “That’s not appropriate.”

“Well, Colleen is a bitch.” Emory said. 

Rene looked at her in shock. He didn’t even know where she’d learned that word, and he didn’t entirely disagree with her.

“Emory, honey, I know we’re hurting right now, but we don’t need to say bad things about people. Especially not words like that.” Rene said. 

“I’ve heard her before, daddy.” Emory looked up at him with a determined look in her eyes. “She said gay people should all be dead. That they were evil and God hated them. She wished dad dead, and now he’s gone, and I hate her.”

Rene definitely didn’t disagree with Emory’s sentiment. He didn’t know what the right words to say in that moment were, and he certainly didn’t have the energy for them. Luckily, Khal spoke up. 

“Sometimes people are confused by their beliefs. They’re told that certain things are wrong or evil, and that if they accept those things, they’ll go somewhere bad after they die. They’ve been lied to. They’re scared not to believe it for fear of what comes after we die. I honestly feel sorry for them. They have so much fear that they hardly have room for love and acceptance. Someone like Colleen will never feel as loved and secure in her love as you will, Emory. You will always know beyond a doubt that your dad cared about you more than anything. She will worry her whole life that no one can ever love her like that because her own love is so tenuous.”

Khal’s words were so soothing, so very much appreciated in that moment. 

“Well said.” Paige stated.

“Oh, Paige. I don’t think I’ve introduced you to my friend, Khal. He’s been helping us through everything these past few days.” Rene said. 

“Hello, Khal.” Paige said, extending her hand, which Khal shook, a polite smile on his face. 

“Daddy, don’t we have to get going soon?” Emory asked. 

Rene looked at her in confusion.

“She’s right.” Khal pointed out, and then went on to sound like he was Rene’s secretary. “Unfortunately, you have to meet with the funeral home in about half an hour to figure out arrangements. That’s, if you’re ready to do so.”

Rene didn’t think he would ever be ready. The thought of going and figuring out what to do with Misha’s body made his stomach churn. He was lucky that they’d discussed things at length before when Misha was still alive. He’d always found it morbid to talk about, but Misha had been very adamant that he wanted to be cremated, and take up as little space as he could. He was very much against pumping his body full of toxic preservatives that would leech into the ground and poison the earth.

Now Rene had to go and pick out an urn. He had to figure out where to hold his husband’s memorial. It all seemed so very final. 

Every new moment, every new decision was one step further away from the perfect life he’d had just days ago. He hadn’t even touched the bar of soap that Misha had last used in the shower. It still had some of his hair on it. Rene had left it right where Misha had last set it down, as though Misha might come back and use it once more. 

No matter what, time marched on, and the post- Misha world continued along, despite Rene’s bitter wishes. 

Chapter 10 https://storiesfrommontana.com/2023/03/19/writing-challenge-2023-part-10-still-untitled/