I’m experimenting (horribly) with attempting to write humorous scenes from movies. The Aftermath of all the big events. This one is very raw and just a practice, and only makes sense if you’ve seen the movie. Anyway, without further ado…

Carry-On (The Aftermath)

“Mr.Kopek.”

Beep.

“Thank you for taking the time to speak with me for the debrief. I know you’ve had a very difficult day…”

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Officer Case trailed off as a large nurse with the countenance of a rabid hyena, and the stature of a mother grizzly bear stepped in and began to fuss over Ethan Kopek’s IV.

Beep.

Ethan smiled at her, barely managing not to slice his IV in half with his chiseled jaw, and muttered a thank you as she pressed a button to stop the incessant beeping on the machine. Then she gave Officer Case a seething glare, the reds of her eyes warning him not to step one toe out of line with her patient, lest she fold Case up and stuff him into the medical bed’s hydraulic systems. With that, she left the room with all the grace of a loping Buffalo.

“I’m only here because I was shot in the leg, and the mrphmgl,” Ethan muttered.

“Shot in the what?” Officer Case squinted in confusion.

“You know, the marphmogl,” Ethan gestured vaguely at his body, leaving Officer Case with no clue as to where the bullet had pierced him.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” Ethan asked, glancing at Officer Case, appearing to be giving his full attention now, doleful eyes cast and cut jaw jutting purposefully in Officer Case’s direction. 

“I just need you to fill in some details for Homeland security, so that we can be sure-” Officer Case paused again as there was a knock on the door. Ethan broke into a huge grin as he looked up at the young woman now clickity-clacking loudly into the room on her four-inch heels. 

“Nora!” Ethan sang, holding out his arms to pull her onto a tight hug, leaving her legs dangling awkwardly over the edge of the bed

“I’m sorry, Miss, but this is official business. I need to speak privately with Mr. Kopek here to get some answers about today’s events. I know it’s Christmas Eve, and you two would love to spend time together, but this is important. For national security reasons. I hope you understand.”

Nora looked Officer Case up and down with a scowl, then shook her head, her perfect tresses gliding back and before over her fancy coat. 

“I bet this man has never appreciated a baby bump,” she whispered to Ethan, rolling her eyes. 

“Wha?” Officer Case mouthed, frowning in bewilderment.

He watched as Ethan gave her a kiss, then another kiss, then pulled her onto the bed for a momentary makeout session that left Officer Case staring red-faced at the floor. Finally, Ethan ushered her out of the room with many reassurances that this wouldn’t take long. 

“Okay, so, Mr. Kopek, can you please explain to me exactly what happened today? Any and every detail is relevant, I can assure you. Also, I’ll be recording this session.” Officer Case tapped his phone to indicate his recording device.

Ethan nodded, took a deep breath, and began to explain every detail of his insane day. 

“So, last night I found out that Nora was pregnant, so I was stressed. I showed up to work late, because I guess our bus driver has a vendetta against me. He legit seems to want to kill me. I’m not even exaggerating. Honestly, I should probably be catching an earlier bus. I’ve been late every single day this year. Anyway, after my tardiness, I beg my boss to give me a chance to prove myself because, you know, now I have a baby to provide for. Wait…did you find my boss’s body yet?”

“I’m…I’m sorry, what?” 

“My boss. The gay sniper’s husband stabbed him in the neck with a pen. Turned out to be a very useful pen. I diffused the neurotoxin bomb with that pen a couple times. I like to think my boss’s bodily fluids were cheering me on.”

“The gay sniper?”

“Yeah, the hostage. No way that guy wasn’t trained in sniping. Maybe he was a hunter? He took out the Ready Teddy killer like he was fucking Jason Bourne, after being chained in the back of a van all day. I’m lucky he didn’t take me out like his husband tried to.”

Officer Case blinked.

“Anyway, back to the start of it, this green-haired lady told me that the earpiece in her bucket wasn’t hers, and now come to think of it, you should probably check the cameras because I now realize that lady was suspicious as hell. Jesus, Ethan, you dolt.” Ethan smacked himself in the face in dismay at his own idiocy. 

“Green-haired lady, got it,” Officer Case said, gesturing for him to continue already, and stop with the self-injurious behavior. 

“So anyway, I got a text, and I put that fucking earpiece in my ear, and no one seemed to notice or care that I was talking and muttering to myself all day. Shows how much they care, you know? Also, do you know how many germs are in those buckets? My ear is probably teeming with them right now. It’s been itchy all day! Ugh!”

Officer Case watched as Ethan stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it rapidly back and forth in some vain attempt to belatedly stop the bacteria attack. 

“Anyway, Mr. Asshole texts me and talks in my ear for the next several hours, threatening Nora, and my friends, and everyone I love to get that neurotoxin through security. I got my best friend fired because of this! He probably thinks it’s because I’m mad he told everyone we were having a baby before I could. I’m not gonna lie, it was the tiniest bit satisfying to watch him get fired. But no, I was doing it to protect his wife and twins. Raspy voiced asshole insisted he would happily kill them if I didn’t do-”

Both men jumped as the door swung open and an African-American female officer rushed in, flashing her badge around.

“I don’t have a lot of time!” she exclaimed, holding the badge mere inches from Officer Case’s nose. “I just hit a man in the parking lot because I was texting and driving. Always texting and driving! Thank God we’re already at the hospital!”

“Officer-” Case started.

“Detective Cole, this is my case. Get out!” She snapped at Officer Case.

“That’s not…this isn’t how this work-”

“Get out!” She bodily grabbed Officer Case and shoved him out the door, closing it in his face. 

“What. The. Fuck.” Officer Case stared in shock at the closed door. 

“Shhhhh!” 

He turned slowly to see the rabid nurse from earlier glaring at him, a finger over her lips. 

“But, but, that’s not how any of this works…”